MUSINGS

29 02 2008

I have come down to bask in the sun’s rays and do some blogging in the 15 minutes a day I have to myself. Unfortunately, there is a crippled chick sitting right in front of my sun spot. I don’t sit down in my sun spot because I don’t want her to think that I am listening to her conversation or getting in her way, but wait, she’s rolling away, all better.

More things that white people love:

21) Date Rape: easier than regular rape, who wants to go through with a struggle when drugs work much better?
22) Sublime: I never got into this band, but summer 97′, man that shit was everywhere.
23) Olympics: Another one I do not understand. Every four years we find our strongest fastest black people and get them to trounce those from other nations under the belief that America’s cock is bigger than everyone else’s. Boring.

24) Bathroom keys for the office: this is a recent addition to my life and it is so fucking lame I cannot begin to comprehend. My office has always been kind of funny when it comes to bathroom politics. For some reason, there were always a bunch of people who would come and drop trow in our bathrooms (we work on the 7th floor) when the clearly didn’t work on our floor. I am thinking more specifically of Bald Guy from First Floor, Philippino Security Guy, and Mail Man. It’s always really annoyed me and, I cannot speak for the ladies with whom I work, but I am sure that there have been some dastardly deeds done in their shitorium as well. Alliterations aside, I digress.

These shitters and I have always had an understanding: you evacuate in my bathroom, I will evacuate in yours and up until recently things have been peachy. However, one of the higher-ups at my company has nothing to do all day so he decides to make this his legacy: there shall be no more dumpers from other floors. This is his equivalent to Bill Clinton getting NAFTA signed — and now that the campaign goes to Ohio (hello Rustbelt) where more factory workers have been laid off than anywhere else aside from Detroit, Hillary wants to “change NAFTA!” Yes she keeps voting to expand it to places like Peru, and I don’t consider the fact that her husband is responsible for it to be a knock against her, but c’mon, Stand back and sniff your own bullshit…ANYWAY.

Now we have keys for the bathroom. Because I only wear one pair of pants, I normally just leave my key in there. But today I am wearing black nut-huggers because my other pants are not clean. I have forgotten my key and as a result, must pee my pants, urinate in a wide-mouth plastic bottle – like a 32 oz. Gatorade- or get someone else’s key. This aggression will not stand…man.

Anyway, I got a little aggro about this to the responsible party’s assistant. Imagine David Spade’s character FINCH from the show JUST SHOOT ME, if FINCH took it in the ass. I understand he has had a lot to do with making this possible and while I do not blame his boss for the idea, they definitely get an F for execution. My office is becoming a gestapo state, where the most basic human rights are being turned into privileges. WHAT’S SO DIFFICULT ABOUT CARRYING A KEY?

Nothing really. Except, it is another stupid thing I have to worry about. In addition to car, mail, house, and office keys, I am now required to be responsible for another thing, without, I am put in a rather rough position. Talk about taking things too far, a simple sign that says “hey, don’t crap on our floor” would’ve sufficed.

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STUFF WHITE PEOPLE REALLY LIKE

28 02 2008

So there’s this new blog with a list of things that white people like (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com [props to Paul]) which is gathering all sorts of steam at my pathetic water cooler. It got me thinking that as a white person and someone who is unafraid to say what white people REALLY like, instead of all of the jokes, that I should write my own list. So here it is:

STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE ***THE REAL EDITION***

1) Other white people: we all have “white guilt,” and like to pretend that we’re not racist assholes; untrue. Whereas most ethnic comedians/groups get to say what they don’t like about white people (and deservedly so, we’re terrible) white comedians and people in general must remain mum on the subject, but really, the thought of counting people of different from ourselves as actual people whereas we desire to acknowledge them as non-persons: maids, janitors, drive-thru employees — is just as loathsome to most whites as the thought of white people are to most of the oppressed.

2) Pink nipples on our women: see #1

3) Pretending to care about shit: this is what I call “limosine liberalism,” and many in my own family suffer from this affliction. LL is the pretense that everyone is equal and everything should be equal monetarily. If a black family moved next door to my own, my mother would stare with binoculars and mark their every move, my dad loves charity and helping the poor, but you’ll have to kill him before he lets you raise his taxes to improve the welfare state.

4) Pretending that we are not the whitest people we know: we all like to pretend that we ‘get down with the get down.’ I listen to rap and somehow think that I am better than my fellow whites who do not; like I am somehow more enlightened and attuned to the plight of the black man…this is bullshit.

5) MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR DAY: Not Martin Luther King, Jr necessarily, but the day off during the dreary month of January when the new year hangover is in effect: you realize that your vacation time is over and that it is a long fucking time till Easter. This a joyous time to get high with mah niggas…and by that I mean other white people who have nothing better to do on a free Monday.

6) Blowjobs: ibso facto, white bitches + alcohol.

7) Barack Obama: I used to think that this guy was the real deal, until I heard him get his ass kicked by that mean old white dude Hilary Clinton in all of their debates. His promises are emptier than the pockets of the homeless in Detroit and WHITE POEPLE LOVE THAT THEY CAN LOVE THIS GUY…he eases our white guilt. The further along we go, the more likely I am to vote Nader 08′. Barack Obama makes a great stump speech, but just like Captain Deathfuck (Jack Nicholson’s name for GWB), he really has no concept of money.

8) U2: the band and the bomber. For me, everything after ACHTUNG BABY, their 1992 release is the equivalent of taking a shit in someone’s ear drum. RE: the bomber, well, white people love to bomb things.

9) Imperialism: See Mexico 1845 (now known as California and Oregon) Cuba 1898, Philippines 1905, Mexico 1913, Honduras Panama Nicaragua Dominican Haiti 1900s – 1920s, 1945 Germany (deservedly), Japan (again deservedly), 1989 Panama, 1991 Kuwait/Iraq, Kosovo 1998. I am not going to mention our failed campaigns in Korea, Vietnam, and currently, because we have really gained nothing.

10) Food that we think is healthy, but turns out to be shit.

11) ALCOHOL: white people drink because someway somehow, cirrhoses, arterial blockage and hardening, and lacerated livers are way cooler than marijuana…Either that or they have a way better lobby.

12) PRESCRIPTION DRUGS: non-OTCs are ‘so hot’ right now. If you’re going to accidentally overdose, do it in style…with hillbilly heroin.

13) Short term memory: white people don’t like to be reminded of our misdeeds and that is why we have already forgotten the tragic events of 9/somethingorother.

14) Will Ferrell: I am just as confused as the minorities by this one. If talking and acting like you’ve had 5 scotches and are the molesting uncle is what the kids find cool, then I am dentyne ice. This goober comes out with a bad sports movie every year, and it makes a shitload of money. he poops golden eggs…because you let him.

15) Perez Hilton: no man or derivation thereof is a greater example of what white people love about this country: a fruit who draws pictures of population paste on the lips of the rich and famous, bringing them down to our level to a point where they kill themselves – at which point it is okay to feel bad – and getting paid a shitload in the process. Perez Hilton is the new embodiment of the American dream: someone who brings people down to his level who has commodified his ability to be mean. We like to build people up, but we love to tear em’ down.

16) The Idol.

17) Rock of Love: we love this one because it’s like Flavor of Love without the white guilt. Laughing at white people really is the best medicine.

18) Religion: kill yourselves…better yet, go to church, and wait for me to put biological weapons in the holy water so you can all get the hivs. DIE FASCIST SCUM.

19) ESPN.

20) Porn: go to megarotic.com and watch Carli Banks (my new favorite) do amazing things to herself. It’s not the paying for it so much as just finding it and watching it.

I WILL THINK OF MORE, BUT I HAVE TO GO NOW.





BLACK UNDERWEAR

18 02 2008

There are certain things in life which should be second nature but alas, are not. Simple risk-minimizing philosophies are quite practical yet not common-place and one-such issue which has not received enough attention is to ALWAYS WEAR BLACK UNDERWEAR. Why on Earth would anyone not do this? If you are one of the fascists who believe that black underwear only means “sexy time,” then you are retarded. White undergarments stain, black ones hide any sort of visible signs of your lack of bodily control. This should hold especially true for women because of that monthly visit.

There are certain things in life which, try to control as we might, are indefensible. Wearing black underwear is the perfect action to symbolize my philosophy in life HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST. Any time I get into a car I think I am going to get into an accident and any time I put on underwear I do not discount the possibility that I could be eating mac n’ cheese and all of a sudden Montezuma takes his revenge all over the place: it hasn’t happened yet, but you never know what the future holds.

I am not just talking about boxers here, the same rule should be applied to socks as well. For there is NO reason whatsoever why anyone should wear white socks. Black athletic socks not only look more stylish (a person who wears white shoes with HIGH black socks and can pull it off; not necessarily easy to do) and in that sense I am speaking about athleticwear, but generally, black socks go with anything, whereas white socks cannot be worn with black shoes unless you’re a 1950s greaser.

Let’s say that one day you meet someone who strikes your fancy. Eventually, you’re going to end up sleeping with this person. When your significant other wakes up in the morning and notices any one of a number of reminders of your humanity do you think they’ll be IMPRESSED? No, they’ll be horrified, because you are not in control of your body; some call it a temple, but if you get down to the nitty gritty: the stuff that lies within us is truly disgusting.





ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THIS.

10 02 2008

Eli Manning and his Citizen Eco Drive ARE. UNSTOPPABLE.

As a culture, we tend to have short-term memory when it comes to sporting events/figures and their proper places in history. I saw a thing on espn.com today which has already ranked the Giants defeat of the Pats as the greatest upset of all-time, barely beating out the Miracle On Ice. So what if a bunch of college kids beat a team that hadn’t lost in many years, a team that had recently DESTROYED the NHL ALL-STARS on 3 consecutive nights by an average margin of 6 goals, a team that had beaten them [U.S. Olympic Men’s Hockey Team] by a score of 10 to 1 only 1 month before the olympics? None of that matters, because this time the VOTERS MAY HAVE GOTTEN IT RIGHT. Let’s examine everything.

DURING THE SEASON AND THE PLAYOFFS…
The Pats were the perfect team. They had the best coach, best QB (maybe ever), best wide receiver, best slot receiver, best offensive line, best defensive linemen (I know you’re going to say the Giants, but the Patriots only rush 3 and still manage to get pressure), best linebacker (Adalius Thomas), a top5 all-time safety (Rodney Harrison), a top 5 secondary with a top-flight corner in Samuel, an amazing scat back in Kevin Faulk (more on him later), and a recently awoken beast in Maroney. They played as a team and never played into the media-hype, never talked about going 19 – 0, took everything one game at a time, etc, etc. They were so robotic in dealing with reporters that they have created their own brand of boring sports metaphors – aforementioned – and they also got cocky with the media: Dante Stallworth, Wes Welker, and Coach Dickhead, all made jokes that Welker and Stallworth and some other guys would be playing in place of Brady.

THEN MEDIA WEEK HAPPENED…
And thus the reason why I picked the Giants to win. Whilst watching ESPN, I saw an interview between Brady and a local Boston media personality in which he simply CRACKED. Although he remained calm, the veneer of silence was broken and I started hearing how “one day Larry Izzo is going to look back and say that he was on a perfect team.” YIKES. Brady took it a step further and, in trying to prematurely rank the Patriots with the great teams of ALL-TIME he was quoted as saying “the 1982 U.S. Men’s Olympic Hockey Team,” [MOI]. This is funny because that was actually in 1980 Tom. Yeah, that’s okay, I can’t do what you do: play quarterback in the NFL, leave one model/actress for the world’s top supermodel, wear Stetson cologne, live somewhat of a dream life…but I guess you can’t do what I do: think coherently. I KNEW, right then and there that the karma gods would not allow that gaffe to go unnoticed. And from that day on, I picked the Giants after I had previously picked the Patriots to win dating back to the day they acquired Moss.
Shortly thereafter, the wheels started coming off the wagon. New conjecture about SPYGATE brought prominent curmudgeonly senator Arlen Spector to call for an investigation into why the evidence against the Pats was destroyed. This had a snowball effect as a former Pats employee claims that he was spying on the Rams during the Pats’ own improbable run to the title in 2002. NOT GOOD.
The week progresses and sure enough, more and more Patriots start talking about 19 – 0. In contrast, the Giants wore all-black just for their team arrival in Phoenix. At least 38 of the 53-man roster were involved. I don’t know if that is a good stat or a bad one, but it is worth noting (the kickers and some unimportant special-teamers don’t count) because the significance was made public after the victory: brash linebacker Antonio Pierce (the leader of this movement) got the fellas all riled up because quote “We were coming to a funeral; the death of the Patriots’ dynasty,” end quote.
The Pats are now dealing with their issues, talking about their coronation and then, it is learned that in the ultimate move of sheer hubris and also GREED, the Patriots were applying to TRADEMARK the terms 19 – 0 and “PERFECT SEASON.” The game was an after-thought, it didn’t need to be played. That’s what media week is about: baiting just one individual to give the ultimate sports insult, then having this incendiary statement conflagrate to just really PISS OFF the opposition. The Pats players weren’t responsible for that trademark; that was Robert Kraft (a Jew, obviously) who was looking for his latest branding initiative in the hopes of making some extra coin.
The Giants too, were not without fault. Their biggest blunder came from the mouth of Plaxico Burress who said that the Patriots would only score 17 points. After all was said and done, Plax is starting to look more like a Namath-esque profit (not only did the Pats not even score 17, But Burress caught the touchdown which won the game for the Giants) and at the time he said it, I was pissed. I was very pissed. That could have been the spark which galvanized the already uber-motivated Patriots to annihilating the G-Men, but somehow it went by the wayside because of the Patriots stupidity.

About the game:
Bill Belichick was wearing a RED SWEATSHIRT. It was LOUD, and I couldn’t understand why. Football is a game of superstition and I have never seen Belichick not wear the gray hobo-hoodie.
GISELE WAS THERE: can you say Jessica Simpson Factor? Leading up to, there were articles about Gisele’s hometown in Brazil near the Argentine border. I now know her father’s name – Valdir – and have also learned that Gisele said she would “run through Times Square naked if the Patriots lose.” The most beautiful woman in the world should have nothing to hide. Although Brady and Bundchen may have more class than Romo and country-fried Simpson, the fact that their relationship is a story can only serve them poorly. Osi Umenyiora, the Giants star defensive end is dating supermodel Selita Ebanks, she is the supermodel/prostitute who married Nick Cannon after something like a week together who has clearly moved up from dating the band to dating the players. The point is, this was never an issue. Could it have something to do with the fact that Umenyiora and Ebanks are not lily white and the lily white media doesn’t care about them? I am sure that is definitely a part of it. Could it have something to do with the fact that Umenyiora plays on the defensive side of the ball? Probably. But somehow, in the media capital of the world, Umenyiora’s supermodel girlfriend didn’t detract from the mission at-hand.
GOT GOSTKOWSKI? How much does an NFL kicker make? The answer? Too much. Look back to Vinatieri. The most clutch kicker of all-time gets released because he wants too much cash. The Pats think that it is their treatment, their application of formula which molds greatness, so then why not trust a 48 yarder to someone who has been on your roster for a few years in a game where there is NO WIND? I couldn’t kick a long field goal, but I am not an NFL kicker, and part of that job requirement, is the ability to kick it consistently from inside the 50-yard line regardless of wind. That’s how these dingleberries get jobs in the first place. This move by Belichick will be second-guessed for a long time to come.
TOM PETTY BLOWS…HARD: I have known this for years. Yes, he has some light and peppy radio-friendly songs, and yes, compared to what was happening in the late 90s and oughts and Nipplegate, it was way tamer…but is that worth applauding? Last year, Prince fucking dominated, best performance at the SB I have seen in a while: Purple Rain in the rain? No contest. Of course, Prince was vilified by an evangelical woman in Arkansas who complained that when he went behind the silhouetted sheet to perform his solo, his special purple Prince Guitar looked like an erect penis. Of course, this woman, was probably fantasizing about cock ever since the lord told her they were evil.
CHASE BLACKBURN IS RETARDED: Paging central casting, paging central casting, what kind of a weirdo is named Chase Blackburn for someone who is clearly not Native American? The 12th man on the fucking field, that’s whom. I know it probably wasn’t his fault, but those are the types of plays that can RUIN a game and suck the life out of a whole team. Not the New York fucking Giants though. They were on a mission from God.
2:45 in the 4th: So the Patriots scored, but it didn’t feel right, it felt like everything was reversed, like Tom Brady should be the one with the ball with 2:45 left to play.

ELI MANNING AND HIS CITIZEN ECO DRIVE ARE. UNSTOPPABLE: I have long beleaguered Eli Manning. I have called him ‘Fredo’ to Peyton’s ‘Michael,’ which is saying a lot because I know that Fredo is supposed to be the oldest. The point is, he can tell me to shut up for the rest of my existence. He will always have that power over all detractors. It is an unbelievable feeling to have and one that most people will never know, especially not on the intensely polarizing level of Eli Manning. Eli Manning didn’t make the stupid plays in the postseason and one can only attribute that to addition by subtraction: the loss of Jeremy Shockey was a great thing. He is too much of a personality, too in your face. The media wasn’t getting to Eli Manning; Jeremy Shockey was getting to Eli Manning.
What Manning’s victory proves is that anything is possible, night is day, day is night and truly, that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. The mind is a fragile thing, read a book on body language or hypnosis: it is an easily fooled organ. His baptism by fire was a right of passage that few in life get to go through. Of course, the real MVP of that game was Justin Tuck, but it doesn’t matter, because with 2:40 + left on the clock, I saw a relaxed Eli Manning get ready for the drive of his life. The bell was tolling for he.





VROOM BOOM

4 02 2008

HEADLINE OF THE WEAK: “More Americans turning to the Bible for financial advice.” I thinketh the dictionary definition of the word “tithing,” needs to be explainedeth. This ranks up there with “Mike Huckabee wins Iowa Caucus.” ONTO THE REAL STUFF.

I’ll get to the superest of Super Bowls in another post later today; I am still processing. Right now I want to talk sex ex machina which is fake latin for “sex through machine.” The new Audi R8 looks to be the coolest car I have ever seen hit the mainstream. It is born out of a brilliant idea which helped bring BMW back to the position which it currently holds as the world’s #1 luxury auto maker. Around 10 years ago the BMW Z3 came out and changed modern driving. The car was not necessarily ahead of its time with its design, but with the business philosophy behind it: one doesn’t need to spend $100,000 for a $100,000 convertible. Audi has taken that philosophy and applied it to their R8 which, at first glance looks like a Le Mans Series car (most of which are upwards of $500,000 and the Mercedes Le Mans Series, CLK GTR costs a whopping $1,540,000…that’s right: 1.54 million).

The R8 commercial gave us a glimpse of the “cars of the future” that auto makers have been selling us false promises on for years. It looked like a Saleen S7 (a $500,000 car) and it’s coming to upper-middle class families near you some time real soon. Here’s why: without options, it costs $109,000. That’s all. ONE DOES NOT NEED TO SPEND FERRARI MONEY IN ORDER TO HAVE FERRARI status luxury. To be honest with you, the Audi R8, in my humble opinion looks just as sporty as a 360 Modena. It’s also got a darker, more noir kind of feel as though Christian Bale should trade in his “Tumbler” for one. The best part, it comes in only a couple of colors: black, gun-metal gray, metallic silver, charcoal with silver flake, etc, etc. It’s dark, it’s sporty, it’s an Aston Martin for half the price. What yuppie wouldn’t love that?

This is the type of vehicle which is so affordably priced for how it looks that it is going to revolutionize the auto industry. Buy stock in Volkswagen – the share price is dropping like the Hindenburg because of some corporate scandal – but you must be careful to buy JUST AS THE R8s hit the market. I am telling you, this is gold Jerry, Gold! Another reason why this car is going to be so popular was pointed out to me by my friend Lucky: If you can afford a Ferrari, you can afford another car which would probably serve as your driving around car. The Ferrari is a very public and showy thing, not something to go buy groceries with. The R8 – while trunk space may be limited – is that vehicle which bridges that gap: you can pick the kids up in it and you can have it valeted in front of Koi so people can see how flashy you are. This should be the next Bond vehicle, but it won’t require Desmond Llewelyn to service it for repairs. That’s the beautiful thing about Audi – aside from that whole trunk popping open scandal in the late 80s – it’s a major brand in this country and a lot of mechanics will know how to FIX EM. How many QUALIFIED FERRARI mechanics are there in SoCal (the unofficial car capital of the world)? Not enough I bet.

Giants euphoria is setting in. I can’t write about this any more, onto the next column. G-G-G-G-G-MEN!





BLOGGING IN THE NAME OF…

1 02 2008

So it’s February, that wonderful time of year when there is no football, hockey and basketball are mid-way through their seasons, spring training starts, a bunch of shitty movies get released, and oh yeah, tomorrow a groundhog will come out of hiding and determine whether or not the winter solstice is shorter or longer, you know, the same way they pick the pope. I am here at work with nothing to do and I thought it would be nice to get back to doing what I love…complaining about things. What does that entail for today? Finally, I am going to do something close to my heart and profession: the writer’s strike.

What about it? Well, it is my belief that this revolution CAN NOT be televised. Specifically, I am talking about the writer’s strike and the possibility that the Oscars are turned into a press conference. Here’s why: the Directors Guild of America recently renegotiated their deal with the studios which means that the writers’ ceiling is very finite. Directors are considered more integral to the making of movies (I am not going to argue with this) and by having a cap, the producers can go back to the table and say “this is what the directors are getting, so you can only get less than X.” This has backed the writers into a corner. They know their limit when it comes to a number and the only way to try and get more than that is for them to boycott through the Oscars. The actors deal ends in a short while and we know how the writers and actors are in-step with each other, so if the writers boycott the ceremony, logic states that the actors must do the same.
Now, if the writers are to capitulate before the February 24th broadcast – to be hosted by the self-impressed Jon Stewart – then they will have been out of work for around 100 days, costing everyone BILLIONS of dollars in business, without really GAINING anything. The union will be forever weakened and their strike for fairness and equality will be viewed as a skidmark on the underpants of Hollywood history.
However, the Golden Globes demonstrated the true impact of this strike and that is nothing compared to the repercussions of a year without the Academy Awards. February is a probably the toughest month out there as there are no major holidays (Valentine’s and President’s Days do not count), and for most it is extremely cold. Especially for those of us who don’t have that special someone and are forced to be reminded of this when Hallmark is shoving its corporate cock down the collective throat of the American consumers. The Oscars shine like a beacon of hope to many Americans who live vicariously through their favorite stars and starlets and if Jolene can’t watch Nicole Kidman waltz down the red carpet wearing a diamond which probably cost 12 Sudanese children their upper extremities, then she will be pissed and she will turn to her only two real friends in the world: Ben and Jerry.
The writers have more power than their numerical ceiling would indicate as through the action of inaction, they can force America to its knees. Right now, they’re playing a game of chicken and the AMPTP is betting that the writers will blink first because the Oscars are are as American as slavery and legalized drug addiction. There is a line to a famous song that goes “when you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing left to lose,” and the writers should have played their hand like they were James fucking Dean, the leader of the pack, ready to die and like the spartans hoping to meet their collective end in battle. The writers power is their ability to RUIN THE INDUSTRY. Can you imagine a world where only reality television and movies are made? Where “foreign” films made by ex-communist Eastern Block dingleberries are the only things playing at the local thee-ater? Suck it Truffaut, cuz it ain’t gonna happen.
It’s hard to imagine that even with the writers, tv and movies were as monumentally bad as they had ever been, but can you imagine Danny Bonaduce in your life 5 nights a week? That is a huge threat to hold over the heads of the American public and it puts the burden back on the AMPTP to give the writers what they want, damn the consequences.
From the beginning, the burden has been on the writers and justly so. They are the ones who felt they were not being properly compensated and it is their actions which have brought this town to a standstill. By really going that extra mile and torturing the hostages, they will send a serious message to the public that they mean business and that it the onus of the AMPTP to negotiate. Their weapon of choice SHOULD BE the Mary Hart meat puppet ad-libbing a few jokes about her agent and then reading the names of these prima-donna stars who won’t even be able to make shitty speeches. HAH! Love it.

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are nothing compared to what lies within us. Keep fighting the good fight. Don’t cave to a fucking awards show.